Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Keeping it the realest: The desire to change



I wonder if I can really do this.

Tell you this story and then do something about it.

Something tells me I must at least try.

I want to lose weight, but I will be honest, I don’t want to work hard for it.

And what I know about losing weight is that it takes a hell of a lot of work.

I’ve done it before with some success. It’s just time to get serious about it.

I’m not at my biggest, but I am by no means close to my ideal size or weight.

I have always struggled with weight. I hate even saying that. It sounds so cliché and generic, but it’s true.

Thoughts of not liking my weight took up residence in my mind a very long time ago.

Fourth grade.

That was the first time I knew I was a big girl. I don’t know what happened to my average sized third grade self, but come fourth grade, the width of my shoulders nearly equaled my height.

Okay, not really, but I remember this picture of some of my classmates and me on the front steps of our elementary school. I was in a class with the tiniest girl in our grade and stood behind her in the picture. She was so damn little with wispy white blond hair. I was easily twice her size.

I didn’t even realize it at that point. It wasn’t until a boy (isn’t it always about a boy) called me out good and proper. And of course, he was the cutest boy in my whole grade. I think I accidentally stepped on his foot. He looked at me and said something similar to “Geez, how much do you weigh anyway?”

I knew from that point on.

Sixth grade.

I was getting a little taller which was helping the broad shoulders, but I was still heavy. Remember that time of the school year when you had to go the nurses’ station to have your eyesight and height and weight checked? I dreaded that day like the plague. I was a bright kid, paid attention in class and all, but when Weigh Day came, you could forget it. My heart would race as I would wait for my name to be called. If they had only taken blood pressure at that age, mine was probably out of control. Thankfully, we had the sweetest school nurse ever. She probably saw the fear on my face a mile away, so when I asked if I had to be weighed, she smiled so sweetly and shook her head No.

Sweet relief flooded my sixth grade self.

And it lasted for about 2 days.

Apparently, the school nurse had a couple high school girls come over to our school to do the perfunctory tests on any kids that missed school on Weigh Day, or as it were, to fill in any blanks missed on the charts.

And I had a blank, remember? A blank okayed by the nurse, but the high schoolers weren’t buying it.

I went hot all over as I stood up on that scale. The number didn’t mean anything to me. I didn’t know what a normal girl my age was suppose to weigh. I just knew I exceeded it. That boy in fourth grade told me so.

Ninth grade.

Finally my broad shoulders gave me a break. I was slim in all the right parts and curvy in all the right places, too. Boys began paying me attention in a good way. The cutest boy in my grade wanted to be my boyfriend, instead of wanting to humiliate me. I was a great size and healthy, too, but I still felt like I was the big girl. All the attention in the world couldn’t ease that feeling.

College and Beyond.

Sometime after college, my weight began to increase and did so steadily. When Justin and I married, I was happy with my size, but within the next two years, I would reach my heaviest weight. Not my proudest moment. I joined Weight Watchers and had great success. 33 lbs lost to be exact.

And then I went back to what was comfortable and easy. Here I am today wishing I had stuck with the program because I loved it and I rocked it out.



The bad memories of people being cruel go on and on. I hate those memories. I could chronicle them here for you, but there’s no point, really.

So kids were cruel to me. Big deal. Don’t we all have some version of that story to tell?

I am 28 years old and I am ready to beat this game.

If I don’t try to beat it now, once and for all, I fear I will battle it all my life.

And that thought sickens me more than all the cruel things that were ever said.

I know food will have to be a part of my life forever, I am just ready to put it in it's rightful place and quit allowing it to reign over me.

Just so we’re straight… I don’t blame the people who said cruel things to me for my weighty issues. I am the sole keeper of my body and blame no one other than myself.

So what are you going to do, Molly?

Are you going to listen to all the lies that You Can’t Do This? Because you won’t succeed if you believe you can’t.

What would happen if you actually believed You Could Do It?

You’ve just got to want it bad it enough to do something about it.

A while back, a great friend said these words to me: Until your desire to change becomes greater than your desire to remain the same, nothing will change.



My hands are going to tremble as I attempt to hit Publish.

I don’t want to post this and yet I do at the same time.

I know we each have our struggles. It just sucks that people who struggle with their weight, whether they are heavy or skinny, wear their struggle publicly for everyone to see.

My hope is that publishing this tale will help motivate me to do what I need to do.

And that if you are reading this and any of it makes sense to you... you will know you are not alone.

24 comments:

  1. Oh Molly. It's so hard to put our insecurities and struggles out there for everyone to see.

    Lord knows I haven't done it. I admire you for that courage and honesty.

    You are brave. And beautiful.

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  2. i sincerely admire the tremendous courage it took to write this.

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  3. well this took a a lot of guts to write, and i really admire you for that. know that you have a lot of people who support you and care about you, no matter what.

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  4. You are beautiful and brave to share your struggles publicly. And so many of us can relate in some way to your struggle. I think I will write you an old-fashioned e-mail. :)

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  5. I love you exactly as you are today and always no matter what. Why?

    Because you are lovely. Because you are fun. Because you are kind. Because you are smart.

    And also because you are strong.

    Strong to share such a hard thing and I know you are strong enough to achieve your goals.

    Really proud of you too.

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  6. Molly, I am so proud of you for writting this and putting in words what so many girls wrestle with in their heads. Perhaps in Boston I can tell you a bit about my own issues on this subject...

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  7. Oh Molly... I am a first time commenter but I have been reading for weeks already. This is so beautiful and struck so many chords in my heart because whatever our struggle is (lord knows this has been one of mine), the insecurity is the same, the fear of being really honest, fear of being rejected when we show who we are. I admire you deeply for being so honest and know you are on the right track to being who you want to be. I hope you have a happy day!

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  8. Molly what a courageous post. Thank you for allowing us to see a glimpse of your inner world...what sacred ground.

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  9. You are just as brave as I've always known you are. I love you and am here for you along the way.

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  10. First things first, I know we don't know each other but I greatly admire you for publicly sharing an insecurity. If you ask me, honesty is really, really beautiful and often erases any of the exterior images. At least for me :)

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  11. ohh molly, what a hard thing to post. I have ALWAYS thought you are beautiful. Back in college ( when we were just acquaintances : ) i remember thinking to myself "this girl is going to think i am crazy because EVERYTIME i see her i tell her how pretty she is. " And it is true. You are so beautiful and not just on the outside but even more so on the inside.

    I know you can do what ever you set your mind too. You are so very strong and amazing. I love you mols.

    lindsay

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  12. Oh my friend, can I ever relate to this struggle! I think you are beautiful now, in college, and back in highschool when we first met. I would love to lose weight together. Do you think we could keep each other accountable?

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  13. Oh Molly, you are so courageous for hitting Publish and I am glad you did. It is so hard to admit we are insecure about anything because it opens us up to judgment and vulnerability. But there are so many of us that love you and want to support you and make sure you realize that you are gorgeous and awesome, regardless of the size of your dress, and I am glad we can all support you in whatever way you need.

    Stupid mean boys. I want to hug your little first grade self.

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  14. Mols, You are one of the most beautiful people I know. Not just on the outside but on the inside as well (as anyone can tell from reading your blog and know even more truly if they are blessed by your friendship). I love you and your honest self to the moon and back infinity times. When you set your mind to doing something, you don't rest until you have done it and done it well!

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  15. molly, like i think a few of the commenters have said, we all have our insecurities and things we deal with, but we aren't all willing to put them out there and share it. good for you! the determination and desire to want to change has to be there first...that is my problem. i lack discipline in so many areas, but i just get stuck and quit caring. need to work on that! i will be praying for you throughout your journey (seriously) <3

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  16. "I want to lose weight, but I will be honest, I don’t want to work hard for it."

    I can totally relate to that statement! --- the discipline of achieving a goal and changing habits is SO hard and quite honestly - painful.

    Your honesty is so endearing.
    Love this real life post. I'm so glad you published it.

    P.S. Weigh Day --- horror of horrors. I hated it too.







    Please keep us updated on your progress.

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  17. New reader, but I am totally in your boat. I'm also 28, and while my body image problems have only recently happened in the past few years, they've had an impact on my self-esteem. Like big time.

    So just know that I'm rooting for you! Loathing the elliptical I JUST bought and staring it down while I watch Modern Family isn't making my jeans fit better. It's a battle, I'm pretty determined! :)

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  18. It is so scary to be this honest, but I respect it and I think everyone who reads it will too. Being real and vulnerable is what makes you relate-able. Thanks for sharing and you can totally do it!!!

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  19. Hi there - stumbled onto your blog today! Weight is a huge struggle for me too. Loved reading your journey. Good luck as you try to lose it! Don't let failures get you down and set small teenty tiny goals:) That has helped me as I try to lose as well.

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  20. oh also - try ZUMBA!!! It is so much fun and doesn't always feel like you're working out. And this is coming from a very un-sexy and un coordinated woman;)

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  21. You are one courageous lady and I'm glad we're friends.

    Just know that you can text me whenever you're walking, crying, being excited about all this. Or you can call, whatever :)

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  22. New reader...that quote you put up that your friend said to you gave me chills. It is so true with everything. And also, I love this post. Way to be real--to the world. You totally can do this, and I'm excited to follow along! :)

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  23. molly, you're the bomb for writing about this even though you were seriously freaked to hit publish. i can imagine you're speaking to lots of people's souls with this stuff so go you. you're awesome.

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good communication is as stimulating as black coffee,

and just as hard to sleep after.

anne morrow lindbergh